Please, everyone. Stop with the selfies. You don’t look that much different than you did last week.

Maybe I’m just bitter because I don’t have a sleek, cool smartPhone with which to snap infinite selfies. I’d like to think that isn’t it. I guess we’ll find out when I give up my clunky LG3 for something newer.

But am I honestly the only person who finds it annoying when my newsfeed on That Certain Social Media Site is one long track of selfies? I’m in my early forties, and to me, a selfie is the online equivalent of shouting, “Look at me!” Shouting “Look at me!” stops being cute somewhere about the middle of elementary school, in my opinion. What’s with all the grinning adults panting for our attention? Seriously, settle down. You all remind me of overenthusiastic Golden Retrievers. And I don’t mean that as a compliment.

Then there are the permutations of selfies. For example, Madonna and Child. This can be charming if it isn’t done too often, and if the child isn’t sick, and it’s not accompanied by some cloyingly adorable caption. Sad how many of these don’t manage any of that. If I were the Queen of Social Media, Madonna and Child selfies would be strictly limited to the child’s birthday. Please note that this is an event that only occurs once a year.

And then there are the vacation selfies, with the photographer artistically posed against a really beautiful background. Oh, my. Aren’t you lucky! Aren’t we lucky,too…. we really felt the need for proof positive that you truly were on the beach all that time. And now, look! You’ve provided us with proof! And it’s just so artistic!

The worst offenders are, of course, the double couple selfies. Really! Nobody wants to see you looking that happy together! If you’re really that rapturous in person, well, all right then, that’s the way you feel and I suppose you can’t help it. But glowing rapture, two faces to a frame, on purpose to show the world just what a joyous couple you are? No. Just no. And the ones that are posed with one lover giving her honey a smooch? Ugh. It’s called privacy. Give it a try!

There are a lot of social media behaviors I can’t imagine ever doing myself. For example, I can’t imagine ever taking a picture of something that I cooked. Unless it was my kids posing with my Easter bunny cake or something. And my kids are too old for that now. Would it surprise you to hear that I can’t ever imagine myself posting a random selfie for no good reason? It’s embarrassing enough when I change my outdated profile picture and everybody notices. But going out of my way to get people’s reactions on purpose? No freaking way.

Simply too precious for words, all of this.

It’s possible, of course, that writing a blog is narcissistic as well. Still, part of the reason I’m doing it is so I can become a better writer. I doubt all those other people have a burning ambition to become better selfie photographers.

If so, they’ve got a long way to go.

Love you & leave you,

Hobbie DeHoy

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